Friday, June 11, 2010

Ghosts of Lovers Past. "M"

So, my head is as big as it will get and I have a mighty bush. My gay dick has come to the end of all it will develop while in gay puberty.

"M" is for Milk... its good for the bones! It makes them strong feeding them with the rich calcium. I needed to be a little stronger now. Being emotionally slutty is by far the worst thing I can do to myself. Dont give your heart away too quickly...I would recommend giving your ass up first, and then again, and then again and then maybe, just maybe one can consider if their heart is up for offer. My final story is just that, I gave up my identity I thought I was creating for myself in hopes that I could have a life with someone that was just way too good to be true however he was one of those guys that wanted to carry me on his shoulders but never really ducked when we would walk under a bridge, boom!!!

Its really my own fault because I'm not a guy that wants to be carried. I like my independence, I like doing what I want, I like not answering to anyone.

You know, last night I was talking to a friend about relationships and at one point she said to me... "Juanne, you meet these guys and you give them your all, you show them that you are a wonderful person and then...ummmm.....I dont know what happened to you in the past...but... then you change and you stop trusting them... what happened that you cant trust people...?" Its something that stuck with me the entire night. Is this true? Do I have trust issues? I like to take my life and write it in a way that will be comical in its delivery but for the first time its not funny anymore...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Ghosts of Lovers Past. "G"

So, I manage to remain single and celibate for a bit while i try screw my head back on right. One night out dancing with a girlfriend I bump into something very delicious on the dance floor...

"G" is for Go wake me up before you go go, don't leave me hanging on like a yoyo, wake me up before you go go, I dont want to miss it when you hit that high... and all the lights in my gay head starts to flash as old Public Toilet Famed George Michael's music starts to Wham Wham Wham!

He came in and swept me off my feet and held me up so so high. As I am just starting to get ball hairs (in the green penis part of my gay puberty development chart) this wonderful man comes around to challenge me on everything I thought I believed in. He made me rethink about what was honestly important to me as an individual. I had spent the better part of the past four years creating a comfortable little bubble that my life plays out inside of.

Although by this time in my life I had done extensive traveling all over South Africa and was proud to say that I had been everywhere in this country. So few South Africans ever get to drive around their entire country and these people are usually those that have done a fair amount of traveling abroad. He got me to want to go abroad and see more...ergo Europe...

On an emotional level he made me understand what it meant to love and that it should be unconditional. I was so wrapped up on trying to fulfill a criteria that was a little predispositioned in its approach. I let the list go and allowed his love to just envelope me whole. My emotions did start to run away from me and our love of love became a fight to love. The thought of loosing him made me crazy to the point that i didn't even recognize the person I had become and what i needed to realise that he did not belong to me and that I should have made the best of the time we had together. A lesson learnt a little late...only once he was Gone Gone.

Blue's got blue eyes... like a deep blue sea, on a blue blue day.

Blue eyes laughing in the sun, blue eyes laughing in the rain............................................................................................................. and I am home again!

From green penis to the end of yellow penis, almost fully developed:-D

Ghosts of Lovers Past. "T"

"T" is for Two Month Affair...
So much of fun! We danced and drank and screwed our brains out. He was my transitional guy because my last boyfriend was not into dancing or getting completely hammered however I am a little party animal at times and this was a part of my life that I was sacrificing for a guy.
So when Transitional guy came along I drank it up like the tallest most delicious Long Island Iced Tea I have ever had the pleasure of sipping on.

Here I see myself start to realize what exactly I want from life and where I want to be going. It was like that movie 9 1/2 weeks...two people meet, they are instantly attracted to each other, they cant resist the sexual tension and that's all they feed on. I was reaching the mid point of my development stage, going from pink penis to green. As green penis approaches I realize that I need more heart than ass to make a relationship work so this one came to an end.

The Ghosts of Lovers Past... "I"

As I sit back for the first time with a clearer head or rather calmer one I look back at the times that have brought me to this very point. I look at the loves that have a piece of my soul with them. One thing I realize I am capable of so much love, for none of my lovers were ever loved the same way. My heart is big enough for each one to have their very own piece.

"I" is for...In the beginning...

the one that taught me how to love, to make love, to be loved. It is a relationship that sets the bar for relationships to come and its a pretty damn high bar! So where did it all go wrong? Is it all purely based on the fact that we need to experience other people before we can wholeheartedly commit to one person?

In our twenties, we as gay men are really starting to come to terms with who we are therefore a lover can often be a crutch for us to lean on so we feel loved even if we are yet to discover if in fact we love ourselves. We are basically going through gay puberty. Its all a learning process and this, stage 1, i feel we need to discover ourselves more before we decide to show someone what we have to offer others because we dont yet know what we have to offer and what we want.

I needed to spread my gay wings and fly, solo, till my fingertips touch the deep blue sky and all that is below me is a tiny smudge of what resembled my life. From the view now I realize i should have handled his heart with care...I was careless on my road to being carefree.

So far stage 1 is over, my gay penis is growing from stage blue to stage pink...
Till next time
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