Love Movies or Movies for Lovers?

So, who exactly are love stories made for?  For the hopeless romantic sitting at home with a bowl of popcorn dreaming of something magical?  For two lovers to cling to each other when the romance in the film starts to over boil like rice that has been left too long?

The answer is C... all of the above.

In full-on film going mode, I drenched my viewing pleasure in some of the best love stories that I have not yet had the pleasure of watching.  And it was a lovely mix of Romantic comedy, an epic romance and the inevitable true life - love and loss - romance.  Is it a question of pertaining certain aspects to our own experiences or is it about dreaming of that love to come... and if so, would you choose one of the above genres to try fall into or would you try amalgamate all into one piece, to form your idea of love or the love you are living at the moment?  Do we have to relate in order to be engaged?

It has always been a popular understanding that forming characters with problems we can relate to transcends a movie on screen from that of just a movie, to art that touches your soul.  So this would be the ultimate achievement as a writer, to create someone that is completely relatable.  But when it comes to a love story, I very seldom find myself relating to either of the people caught up in the messy business of love and tend to rely more on their sub-plot as individuals to find something to relate to.

For example, in "No Strings Attached", we have two young adults who are out to simply satisfy the need for companionship without the complications of a commitment.  So who would be more relatable?   On one side, we have a young woman that is afraid of getting hurt.  A woman so guarded that she is unable to let the greatness that comes from a relationship to come into her life.  And on the other side we have a man with a broken heart, because of his father, that is lifted up in the air by the charismatic way about this woman.  I tend to lean towards the guarded woman.
The movie was a pleasure to watch albeit with a very predictable ending - which was actually great to watch, due in large part to the brilliance that is Natalie Portman's craft.

To off set the happy ending I put in "Blue Valentine" next.  It's one of those great, hard-hitting, love stories.  Wrapped up with a brilliant soundtrack and some magical cinematic moments.  It's a love story like no other.  their relationship is so layered and we slowly watch the dissipation of their love as the movie jumps between past and present.  Here we have a kind-hearted, carefree and lazy man that has fallen in love with a woman that has more baggage than he was initially expecting.  She in turn is a hard working, rigid and responsible woman.  Her love for him intensifies from that initial "honeymoon" phase to something rather serious in a short amount of time and her dependability on him is palpable.  By the end I could totally relate to him.  Nothing harder than leaving the one you love alone because they asked you to.

And to pick myself up, "Water for Elephants" was the last one on the menu.  It is truly a delight to watch in that old school kind of epic-love-story-that-stands-the-test-of-time way.  A man with a gift for animals meets a girl with a gift for animals and the only thing standing in their way is her husband.  But he is not just your normal jealous husband... he is wicked down to his black heart that is filled with greed.  She gives him a reason to strive for something and he gives her the possibility of a new life and freedom.

In love, not in love.  Relatable or not... who gives a shit.  Watch these three movies, they are all real goodies yo'.  And should leave you feeling something by the end of them.

Enjoy!

The Hour Glass Lover

You know him, you have had him, that illusive man that comes into your life and flips it around causing the sand to flow in another direction.  He captivates your mind with his thoughts of the grandeur of love.  His ideals appeal and it is near impossible to resist him.

Oh, Durban boys.

They flip my world around and always have.  They are so cool and relaxed.  A little repressed with the lack of activities in the area but that in turn makes them interesting, new and fairly untouched.  My Durban boy flipped my hour glass around, climbed inside the glass and let the sand granules - that is my life - pour all over him and at the same time stealing a few granules for himself.  He changed the pace of my life and made me re-asses what I was doing and where exactly I was heading.  It is almost like he forced me to sign a new lease on life that encouraged me to live life and not just allowing the day to day flow of it to become the norm.

It was not the inertia alone that made me feel that my life was an endless stream of nothingness but the idea that I had resided to living a life alone in quiet desperation for something else that made me feel unfulfilled and dead.  Are we just looking for ways to feel alive?  Is a routine the beginning of an end?  And can one man really come in to our lives and re-arrange the furniture that the flow is better and the view extraordinary?

It happened to me.  After our tornado of a relationship was gone I was left in complete disparagement.  Was it that the excitement had ended or is it just a case of another boyfriend down the pipe line?  Did I loose a soul mate, or did a mate just take a piece of my soul?  And if the latter is true how does one begin to replace that piece that was so carelessly taken?

I went on a sexual deviant rampage.  The empty piece in my heart made way for a very personal method of self destruction, it is almost as though I was half the man I was suppose to be and the caring loving side was no more.  I went out bar jumping and bed hoping with hopes of replacing it.  Was it satisfying?  It was more of an expression of self hate and I would impose that hate onto any man willing to take it.  Surprisingly enough there are many men out there eager for a little bit of salacious degradation from a sexual partner.  And this was by no means my proudest moment in life.

In the end my life was more of a vase with water and he was the flowers.  Once the flowers were gone it took time to clean out the vase and replace it with clean water for the next florist to come along and decorate it. so lets always try keep our vases clean and half full.

School Time - Bullies

Once all the heartache has settled and the realization that it is over sets, where does the love go?  To the next boyfriend…?  Of course not, I mean the love we shared with someone is never the same as the love we share with another.  In the bible, Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden for disobeying.  Is this a minor indiscretion that could have been forgiven and then forgotten?  And then where did the love go that was formed between God and this couple?  How far apart is love and hate and when did we go from genesis to exodus, in terms of love?

The first boy I ever fell in love with was a dream.  We were really young but he was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen.  One week away for a soccer tournament him and we got to know each other better.  While the parents were downstairs in the pub getting slaughtered, him and I were getting down.  Now to be fair, he initiated it.  His exact words were, “Do you want to pump?”  I still remember asking what pumping was.  So he pulled down my pants and then his own, and said, “Get it hard.”  Ok, so I got it up.  Then he turned around and told me to put it in.  Once I was in he told me to go back and forth for a while and that was pumping.  It was all very mechanical.  I had no idea what I was doing but I was enjoying it nonetheless. 

We carried on ‘pumping’ for a while after that, and then one-day it all changed.  Over the next three years that boy, I so fell in love with, would turn out to beat the shit out of me whenever he could.  On top of that, he started dating the prettiest girl at school and slowly he became the most popular boy in our standard.  He slowly turned everyone in my year against me.  I became that fat little fag that nobody wanted around them.   Do I now have psychological issues from my first love?  Do I need abuse to feel loved?  Do I need a challenge to make it feel worth it?  No.  The only problem I have is to trust another man.

 After spending a full year eating lunch, alone, behind the teachers’ cars I thought that enough was enough.  I still had to live…right?  I picked my brave little self off of the floor and just forced my way back into the lives of my peers.  It was not easy.   This is also the reason behind my search for love, for a companion, for a buddy, for a lover, for a team.  I wanted to belong to something that consisted of two people.  I wanted that exclusivity.  But am I looking in the right places?

The funny thing is, once I left school I thought those days would be over.  But it just changes shape.  For instance, last year I went on a cruise with all the Mr. Gay contestants.  Now on the first dinner night I chose to sit at a table with guys in their forties.  I tried to make a few jokes but only half the table was really responsive.  Eventually this one large man made an effort to exclude me from the table, so I got up and went to another table, explaining to that table I was not of interest to my last table, and I sat down.  After dinner this large man decides to come up to me to tell me that if I have a problem with him I should tell him to his face and not behind his back.

I was shocked; in the middle of the restaurant this rude man is going to put me in my place?  I think not.  I immediately replied, “You chose to snub me at the table.  For what reason, I don’t know but I felt ostracized.  I felt like that little gay kid back at school that no one wanted to talk to.  Thank you for making me feel like that.”

There was a moment of silence before he apologized and then tried to buy me a drink.  I did not want a drink.  Why are we all playing on the school playground again?  When did we as gay men become the bullies?  And why are we bullying each other?

Now I am faced with that same feeling once more, only this time from a man I fell in love with…is this a back flash of school?  Have I regressed?  The man wants nothing to do with me, okay, fair, it is his choice, but the snubbing, why the snubbing?  I feel too scared to go out for a drink or go to the beach incase him and his posse are all there to stare me down.  Am I afraid?  Is this bullying? 

So, I am not sitting in a carport eating lunch but I am still hiding away.  Hiding in my apartment for fear of being seen when I go out.  Why not just snub them back?  Easy, because I love him and I would never want anyone to feel this way.  Hate begets hate.  So when exactly did we start hating each other?  When did we divide ourselves up?  When did we go from a community to mutiny?   And why would we stray from gay?

So is it time to grab our balls again and weasel back into social life…?  Is it time to face up to adversity, no matter which direction it comes from?

Maybe it’s just time to stop that march away from love towards hate, stop the terms of endearment, stop the bitterness from creeping in like frost on the grass and make today the genesis to the rest of our lives.  There can always be a new beginning.

Relapse, break through or rebounding too?

“Love means never having to say you are sorry”, “Love conquers all” and “The best thing is to love and be loved in return”.  These are all the lines I am meant to believe when it comes to love?  What have movies done to the actual emotion?  They forgot to mention the insurmountable amount of pain that loving someone can cause.   Is love transcending, all of a sudden?  Is it this fantastic magic that all of a sudden can change molecules and reshape universes? 

HE called me to say that maybe we should get together to talk.  I was blown away.  Was this my chance to get him back?  To remind him that we are actually in love and nothing in the world should be able to beat that down?  Was I getting ridiculously carried away?  

I thought we could meet on the beach but he preferred a restaurant.  The excitement was palpable.  Are we meant to believe that relationships are based on fate?  Then why does destiny enjoy watching us suffer?  When is love meant to be?  And how will we know?

The anticipation made me antsy, so antsy in fact that I did not even pick out an outfit.  I was just thrown away by the chance that lay out before me, that I left home in what I was wearing.   Did he want me back?  Did he realize that we are perfect together?  Am I completely retarded?  

So I went to the beach before seeing him so I could run into the ocean and freeze my whole body down.  The cold rush calmed every last nerve in my body.

Then he sent a message asking me to meet him in twenty minutes.  I arrived at the restaurant but they are not open for business yet.  So I turn around and he is standing behind me.  I could hear my heart beating in my head, and he heard that the restaurant is closed.  He suggests we go up to his place to talk.

Against all my better judgment I say yes.  Against everything I know.  Regardless of what my head is telling me I follow him back to his home.  ‘He is going to use you and throw you away’, I kept thinking to myself but my heart.  My completely ridiculous, totally retarded heart. 

 Sitting in front of him I could see he was afraid.  Too scared to admit that he felt it too... I think?  Is the risk not the same for all of us who choose to get in a relationship, that we might leave with a broken heart?  Are two people not taking the leap of faith for love together?  

 Why do some men find it easier to strap themselves to a backpack filled with material and jump out of a plane but when it comes to matters of the heart they are afraid?

As I made my way for the door, he kissed me....  

 ...I jumped the gun in thinking he actually wants me back though...

After a full bucket of chicken was purchased and a bottle of wine was opened and we were back at my place,  I realized that this is not the story I had imagined.  He can't trust me.

  I felt like a fool.  I went so far out on a ledge with my feelings that I did not even realize I was standing there alone.  Was it his fault?  Of course not.  I wanted to go that far out and I felt emotionally slutty.

I did not go after him. 

 I watched him leave while holding the bucket of chicken slowly eating every piece in that damn bucket until i could not feel feelings anymore.  I only felt nausea.  Not a tear.  Just one thought:

'I love you chicken' and it loves me in return, my chicken love has conquered all and it will not have to say sorry, for hurting me tomorrow.  That's love?

Letting Go

In a break up, some of us find it difficult to let go.  Is it because we are the one’s more than willing to alter our own life in the quest for happiness with another?  In relationships we find ourselves fighting.  Towards the end we fight more.  Once it’s over we fight with ourselves.  What exactly are we fighting for?   Is love a battle?  Do we have to pick sides and stand our ground?  They say you need to come to terms with events in your life and then move on.  Why is it so difficult letting go?  Is this a form of retreating?  And is retreating failure or just good strategy?

We are trained to believe that there are certain targets we are suppose to hit in order to achieve happiness.  I have always been more fascinated with the passion for life than the happiness of it.  Passion: accepting the suffering in life to truly enjoy the high points as a blissful sky ride through the clouds.  A lecture by Matthieu Ricard on happiness would prove me wrong.  If we should look at happiness as a form of contentment then sure, live the suffering in order to achieve those extreme highs.  However, if happiness was a day to day strive to fill ones life with something good, then maybe the concept of happiness has more to do with personal fulfillment than just general contentment?  So should I be living the pain of a break up or striving to forget it to be happy again?

Most of the time I want to step back before making a decision.  It proves far too stressful trying to avoid making the wrong choice that choosing nothing seems safe. So I hesitate when I need to give an answer.  Does this make me guilty? In my minds eye clarity needs to be achieved in order to make the right decision.  Funny how in a court of Law I can get off of murder chargers with reasonable doubt, however in a relationship it makes me feel like a bad person.  When did acceptance become a concept for children?

Is the fear of letting go more about a safety net and less to do with rationalizing the end to the end?  Is it the comfort of having something to fall into and not the logic behind why?  We all strive for a man strong enough to catch us before we fall however the truth is, until we find him we need to appreciate what we already have to back us up as a safety net for the times we fall.  I needed a long multi layered conversation with my girlfriends, and my brothers, and my boys, as none are in the city I am in, in order to realize that I have a net.  We all build strong nets for ourselves and just because they are not around does not mean that the safety is not there.