Relapse, break through or rebounding too?

“Love means never having to say you are sorry”, “Love conquers all” and “The best thing is to love and be loved in return”.  These are all the lines I am meant to believe when it comes to love?  What have movies done to the actual emotion?  They forgot to mention the insurmountable amount of pain that loving someone can cause.   Is love transcending, all of a sudden?  Is it this fantastic magic that all of a sudden can change molecules and reshape universes? 

HE called me to say that maybe we should get together to talk.  I was blown away.  Was this my chance to get him back?  To remind him that we are actually in love and nothing in the world should be able to beat that down?  Was I getting ridiculously carried away?  

I thought we could meet on the beach but he preferred a restaurant.  The excitement was palpable.  Are we meant to believe that relationships are based on fate?  Then why does destiny enjoy watching us suffer?  When is love meant to be?  And how will we know?

The anticipation made me antsy, so antsy in fact that I did not even pick out an outfit.  I was just thrown away by the chance that lay out before me, that I left home in what I was wearing.   Did he want me back?  Did he realize that we are perfect together?  Am I completely retarded?  

So I went to the beach before seeing him so I could run into the ocean and freeze my whole body down.  The cold rush calmed every last nerve in my body.

Then he sent a message asking me to meet him in twenty minutes.  I arrived at the restaurant but they are not open for business yet.  So I turn around and he is standing behind me.  I could hear my heart beating in my head, and he heard that the restaurant is closed.  He suggests we go up to his place to talk.

Against all my better judgment I say yes.  Against everything I know.  Regardless of what my head is telling me I follow him back to his home.  ‘He is going to use you and throw you away’, I kept thinking to myself but my heart.  My completely ridiculous, totally retarded heart. 

 Sitting in front of him I could see he was afraid.  Too scared to admit that he felt it too... I think?  Is the risk not the same for all of us who choose to get in a relationship, that we might leave with a broken heart?  Are two people not taking the leap of faith for love together?  

 Why do some men find it easier to strap themselves to a backpack filled with material and jump out of a plane but when it comes to matters of the heart they are afraid?

As I made my way for the door, he kissed me....  

 ...I jumped the gun in thinking he actually wants me back though...

After a full bucket of chicken was purchased and a bottle of wine was opened and we were back at my place,  I realized that this is not the story I had imagined.  He can't trust me.

  I felt like a fool.  I went so far out on a ledge with my feelings that I did not even realize I was standing there alone.  Was it his fault?  Of course not.  I wanted to go that far out and I felt emotionally slutty.

I did not go after him. 

 I watched him leave while holding the bucket of chicken slowly eating every piece in that damn bucket until i could not feel feelings anymore.  I only felt nausea.  Not a tear.  Just one thought:

'I love you chicken' and it loves me in return, my chicken love has conquered all and it will not have to say sorry, for hurting me tomorrow.  That's love?

Rebounding

Going into the traffic department, it was a cold and windy day.  After spending the entire morning inside the department, in queue after queue, I came out to what had turned out to be a completely beautiful day.  What’s a lonely boy to do?  The Beach!

 Now to be honest I figured Sandy Bay would be a safe bet – it might be quiet - and while I was walking down the path, it seemed promising.  Finding an open stretch of rocks near the water, calm enough to brave the cold sea, I sat and I stared out at the ocean before me for quite some time.  After removing my clothes and submerging my hot body in the cold water men started to swarm around me like a carcass ready for the picking.  Naturally I put my clothes back on. 

Is it really about the nudity?  I just like swimming naked; there is a sense of feeling like a child again when I swim naked, of a time when nudity was not inappropriate or sexually inclined.  Is it more about purity and the beauty of a body, our own?  Or are piety and chastity just part of a wholesome persona, which makes no room for nudity?  When did we become either prudes or perverts?

In my mid twenties I hit a stage where I thought “Yeah, sexual predator, go out and conquer, have what you want” was sexy.  I thought if I were that type of guy I would get what I want.  We can always try on a different persona but there is really only one that fits.  By my late twenties it was evident I am not that kind of guy.  I am painfully shy at times.  The rush we all get when our hearts start pumping faster, makes me uncomfortable.  The anxiety makes me nauseas.  By the end I wonder is the excitement too much and is it worth it?

After my swim I sat and was captivated, watching a beautiful man swim in the water like a modern day scene from the film “Sebastian”.  It was such a tender and beautiful homoerotic, cinematic moment.  If I had a camera I would have filmed it.  He smiled at me.  I collected my things and decided to go say hello.  Just because I was dumped does not mean I should shut my life off from others.  He suggested we go for a little walk. 

Passing the rocks and getting to a fairly hidden spot he turns and kisses me.  Once his hands started coming into play I felt the need to slow this down.  My heart was pumping way too fast but I would be lying if I say I was not enjoying it.  Is it because someone finds me interesting and someone does not?  Did I need the attention from a stranger to make me feel better about myself?  So I pulled away from him and for the first time I said something I don’t think gay guys ever say, “I really just wanted to talk to you”

I thought he would be off but to my surprise we started chatting.  On closer inspection I found someone similar to me, a very shy guy that hides it well.  He hides his behind his beautifully meaty exterior and I hide mine behind my humour.

Was this a rebound? A fleeting moment of an emotional connection?  We shared a laugh.  We swapped stories of his relationship’s complacency and my trek-across-country-for-love tragedy.  We shared something more real than bodily fluids, and although feeling ones eyes rolling in the back of ones head out of pleasure is a masterful way of trying to forget the hurt, I don't think it will erase the pain.  Getting over someone is like standing in line at the traffic department, it takes time and there is a process and you cannot just jump the queue but by the time you get out, the sun will definitely be shining.