A Slice of Gay Pie: The End?

Published December 2011 issue:

By Juanne-Pierre de Abreu

So, it comes to an end.  It al began as a column trying to understand love and loss.  Trying to understand what it takes to ‘get over’ someone.  And most importantly, trying to get to the bottom of the idea behind this thing they call love.

I began writing this piece when a man I was so hopelessly in love with decided to break up with me.  We had by no means a stable relationship but we were in love with each other nonetheless.

We met at the end of 2009.  Started seeing each other early 2010 but since March 2011 we have been separating and trying again, breaking up and getting back together and we both adopted different tactics in order to help forget, or help move on.  Trying to make the other jealous, big displays of affection, public outbursts of disappointment were all used to get our loves attention.  The silly thing is we still had each other’s attention, affection and heart.

Was it all a pointless game?  Was I acting like a stubborn child?  Did I ask for more than I was giving?  Am I a bad boyfriend?  All of these questions ran through my brain as I tried to figure out a possible solution to our impossible situation.

So what have I learnt about love?  Is it real?  And do we deserve it?

I know three things for sure:

Firstly, We cannot help who we fall in love with and the idea of searching for love is really a pointless quest.  If we cannot control what our hearts want then in actual fact we do not know what we are looking for when we say we are looking for love.  Never try pin up an idea of love to the face of the man who actually loves you.  Never judge love that is knocking on your door because of your own preconceived notions.  And always be prepared for whatever love may turn out to be for you.

And with that, the idea of trying to ‘get over’ a man you are in love with is equally ridiculous if loving another being is so out of our control.  There are no 10 steps to forgetting the love of your life.  There is no quick fix remedy to encourage the process of closure.

Secondly, nothing lasts forever.  Things in life always come to an end, eventually.  Most things have an expiration date on them but that is not to say we should try look for the end date.  We should not focus on how long we have with a person but cherish having a person.  Enjoy it while it lasts and while it is still fresh.  Never take love that is given to you for granted.  Never believe it will always be there to hold your hand or wipe a tear.  So, if that love is but a moment in your life you need to take it and swirl it around until it turns into an amazing experience in a moment of your life.

Third, love unconditionally.  It is the hardest thing to understand and even harder to practice but if you are truly in love with someone, love all of them and not just the pieces.  We all have good and bad.  Made up of light and dark.  And somehow we all try get some sort of balance in life as we play our demons versus our angels.  So if you want him to love you completely be prepared to do the same.

Fire runs through my body with the pain of loving of you,

Pain runs through my body with the fires of my love for you

Pain like a boil about to burst with my love for you

Consumed by fire with my love for you

I remember what you said to me.

I am thinking of your love for me

I am torn for your love for me

Pain and more pain

Where are you going with my love?

I am told you will leave me here

I am told you will go from here.

My body is numb with grief

Remember what I said my love

Godbye my love goodbye.

So this is A Slice of Gay Pie signing out.

In Loving Memory of Mijo Skoro 7/11/1970 – 1/11/2011 

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A Slice of Gay Pie: To Screw the Shrew out of You

Published in November 2011 issue.

It all came about in the most unlikely place, a Mac Donald’s fast food take out joint.  After a few glances over at each other, it was time for one of us to make the bold decision and say hello.  But was it a bunch of mix messages? 

Eventually one just needs to grab ones balls and say to the cute guy sitting across the restaurant, “Hello, my name is yada yada”. 

So I did.  My nerves were getting the better of me because, to be fair, I have not picked a man up in a “straight” area in such a long time.  I felt like a virgin again.  One awkward line lead to another before I found out that the chunky red head is not familiar to the area.  Being in Jozzie as a visitor, I decided to play the out of Towner role too.  Mainly because I did not know if I could trust him enough to just to go back to his place. 

In my luck he was actually searching for a cruising bar but gave up and opted for getting something to eat.  So I hollered at the opportunity, I mean after all the man is looking to hook up.  “You want to go somewhere private?” I asked. 

Fifteen minutes later we were somewhere more secluded. 

Twenty minutes later, it was denim pants on the floor.  That’s just the type of guy I am, going gaily forward for what I want.

Once my little feet landed back in the Mother City - my new home - leaving the flings behind in Jozzie town I wondered, in a city like Cape Town, how do you start the whole dating game over again?  Straight people seem to have a formula worked out that allows for a “market” to take place, where you look at what you want and order it.  The gay world, however, is far more perplexed than merely meeting a man and organizing to meet up again for a date. We are more like a market where you can have a taste before you order.  In fact you can have a few tastes before you decide to invest in what’s on the menu.

With the known cruising spots and easy hook up clubs, the idea of actually trying to talk to someone before we whip it out seems rather bleak. 

So all in the name of research, I stepped outside onto the streets of Cape Town with a head full of ideas on how to make dating a reality or at least try make it into something a little more fun than a mass pile up orgasm after orgasm.

A few uneventful evenings past by before I decided to hit the obvious dating sites.  Eventually I started chatting to a man that seemed somewhat promising.  The whole setting up a meeting time and place was kinda getting me a little hard.  Eventually a date was set.  A late lunch at a fairly quiet coffee shop, followed by a few light cocktails.  It seemed I might have hit the Gaydar jackpot; unfortunately my excitement was expressed far too soon. 

Once we got back to his place, his boyfriend was there to greet us.  Now, I am not a prude and do not shy away from experiences but in this particular situation I was blind-sided.  I was not aware that there was a boyfriend in the picture.  So I made the frame a little larger, and went with the opportunity presented in front of me.  The affair was just like a boiling kettle.  It slowly starts to boil until it reaches point and then it stops suddenly.  So once the sexual anxiety dissipated - for me - it was time to stop.

Almost ready to give up on the routes I have been taking to actually meet guys, I received a message from a man I had a brief interaction with a while back and then he found me on Facebook where we kept in contact.  Now he wants to meet up again, finding himself in the same city as me for the first time in a long time. 

Dressed in my cutest relaxed-first-date outfit, I grabbed a cab to the restaurant and waited patiently for him to arrive.  The night turned out to be a classic first date.  Sipping on the Vodka Martini’s and chatting about all things relevant, it was easy to write this date as one of the best dates ever.  And then something odd happened.  We did not go to bed together.  Now it all seemed very seductive, riding on the back of his scooter in the middle of the night and I thought it was a goodie, for both of us.  But a few mild messages back and forth, it all just disappeared. 

Maybe the point is not to jump the gun.  Maybe one should be patient.  Or maybe, just stop looking; have as much fun as you can and eventually that guy will come around that just makes you laugh.