It happens to us every so once and a while when life takes an unexpected turn and what was, changes into something that will be. Through an unlucky turn of events my family decided they are ready to leave the home that I grew up in and move out to, hopefully, find greener pastures for themselves. Now with all of that in mind I am totally for change if it will enrich anyone but do I feel a loss nonetheless?
As I walk through the garden, into the house and pass the rooms, all my childhood memories rush through my brain like heroin through a vein. And admittedly I am someone who can live in the past - not necessarily dwelling on it, just living it over again, in my head. This house embodies the family i know and love even if the years have seen it decrease in numbers. Around the corner is where I experienced my first kiss - with a girl... and a boy. The pool was the 1st pool i ever went skinny dipping in. My room, well those walls witnessed my first wet dream, my first heart break, my first drinking splurge, my first joint, my first dirty magazine, my first wank, my first everything and now it is an empty shell representing nothing of the boy I use to be. It does take me back to a time where I was the fat little gay boy sitting in his room most of the time watching film after film after film, very anti social and in all fairness, even more difficult to get along with than the man I am today. Probably because I get so uncomfortable in my own skin and it showed in my youth but with age I have learnt how it really is the only skin I have to encapsulate my body with and escaping it is never an option.
My point to all of this... when do we as gay men decide it is time for a family of our own? Above it all, that is something I thought I really wanted , a child of my own, and at times I feel like a woman, like I am not looking for a great husband but a super father. My mock ovaries are banging together looking out for a man that wants the same... or atleast he is looking for a man that will look after the kids because lets face it, I am totally going to be a stay at home dad - if i ever actually become a dad - and for two reasons: I can write at home and kids need a parent with them most of the day.
I long to get some advice from my dad, the whole man to man time conversation about when is it right, how will you know, am i good enough to be a dad...?
The idea is infuriating.
I thought I was getting closer to having or atleast starting a family but that did not work out probably because I am really not ready to be a dad or a husband, for heavens sake I can barely look after myself properly. Only recently just getting my emotions under control and to that, Epilum is an amazing drug, I cannot shed a tear even if I wanted to. Instead I have chosen to focus on new part time work, writing the manuscript to my first Novel. I have a tutor. Module Two under way, so hopefully next year this time it will be ready to be fleshed into something more than just a manuscript.
Is my writing my new version of babies or a family... it does make me very happy! So my lesson today is to try find something to do once a day that brings a little bit of joy to your life... and I am not talking about finding a laugh everyday but finding a piece of innocent pleasure that both enriches and enlightens your soul.