Once all the heartache has settled and the realization that it is over sets, where does the love go? To the next boyfriend…? Of course not, I mean the love we shared with someone is never the same as the love we share with another. In the bible, Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden for disobeying. Is this a minor indiscretion that could have been forgiven and then forgotten? And then where did the love go that was formed between God and this couple? How far apart is love and hate and when did we go from genesis to exodus, in terms of love?
The first boy I ever fell in love with was a dream. We were really young but he was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. One week away for a soccer tournament him and we got to know each other better. While the parents were downstairs in the pub getting slaughtered, him and I were getting down. Now to be fair, he initiated it. His exact words were, “Do you want to pump?” I still remember asking what pumping was. So he pulled down my pants and then his own, and said, “Get it hard.” Ok, so I got it up. Then he turned around and told me to put it in. Once I was in he told me to go back and forth for a while and that was pumping. It was all very mechanical. I had no idea what I was doing but I was enjoying it nonetheless.
We carried on ‘pumping’ for a while after that, and then one-day it all changed. Over the next three years that boy, I so fell in love with, would turn out to beat the shit out of me whenever he could. On top of that, he started dating the prettiest girl at school and slowly he became the most popular boy in our standard. He slowly turned everyone in my year against me. I became that fat little fag that nobody wanted around them. Do I now have psychological issues from my first love? Do I need abuse to feel loved? Do I need a challenge to make it feel worth it? No. The only problem I have is to trust another man.
After spending a full year eating lunch, alone, behind the teachers’ cars I thought that enough was enough. I still had to live…right? I picked my brave little self off of the floor and just forced my way back into the lives of my peers. It was not easy. This is also the reason behind my search for love, for a companion, for a buddy, for a lover, for a team. I wanted to belong to something that consisted of two people. I wanted that exclusivity. But am I looking in the right places?
The funny thing is, once I left school I thought those days would be over. But it just changes shape. For instance, last year I went on a cruise with all the Mr. Gay contestants. Now on the first dinner night I chose to sit at a table with guys in their forties. I tried to make a few jokes but only half the table was really responsive. Eventually this one large man made an effort to exclude me from the table, so I got up and went to another table, explaining to that table I was not of interest to my last table, and I sat down. After dinner this large man decides to come up to me to tell me that if I have a problem with him I should tell him to his face and not behind his back.
I was shocked; in the middle of the restaurant this rude man is going to put me in my place? I think not. I immediately replied, “You chose to snub me at the table. For what reason, I don’t know but I felt ostracized. I felt like that little gay kid back at school that no one wanted to talk to. Thank you for making me feel like that.”
There was a moment of silence before he apologized and then tried to buy me a drink. I did not want a drink. Why are we all playing on the school playground again? When did we as gay men become the bullies? And why are we bullying each other?
Now I am faced with that same feeling once more, only this time from a man I fell in love with…is this a back flash of school? Have I regressed? The man wants nothing to do with me, okay, fair, it is his choice, but the snubbing, why the snubbing? I feel too scared to go out for a drink or go to the beach incase him and his posse are all there to stare me down. Am I afraid? Is this bullying?
So, I am not sitting in a carport eating lunch but I am still hiding away. Hiding in my apartment for fear of being seen when I go out. Why not just snub them back? Easy, because I love him and I would never want anyone to feel this way. Hate begets hate. So when exactly did we start hating each other? When did we divide ourselves up? When did we go from a community to mutiny? And why would we stray from gay?
So is it time to grab our balls again and weasel back into social life…? Is it time to face up to adversity, no matter which direction it comes from?
Maybe it’s just time to stop that march away from love towards hate, stop the terms of endearment, stop the bitterness from creeping in like frost on the grass and make today the genesis to the rest of our lives. There can always be a new beginning.