Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Just a Phone Call Away?

Breaking up is like an odd death.  Odd because you can still talk to each other and like death because you actually cant.  Why is it that time acts like a swell of fog rolling in from the ocean over your heart?  Why is death and love joined together like a seesaw in a park, they sit at opposite ends but are joined together nonetheless. 

Support is a form of love and a person stricken with grief adores support, it’s comforting to know someone is there.  Can grief cloud your vision of love then if say support is the reason one feels a strong attachment?  Would that kind of relationship last?

I am told a relationship based on sex does not last because the sex will change or dwindle and then so will the love.  So if a love is formed during a time of grief is it sustainable, even though one might be preoccupied with the said grief?
I have felt both sides of the seesaw.  On one side I fell in love with a boy who had just lost his mother.  The balance was off.  We seesawed for a while before his grief began to become a little less palpable.  Then the emotional interaction between us also began to change, like a chemical imbalance.  Was it because I felt like he needed me less?  And if he needed me less was that not a good thing for him?  Should I not be happy that he is healing?  Why would we want someone we love in pain?
 They relationship just died one day.  

And on the other side of that seesaw the view was different but the results the same I'm afraid.  Loosing a parent and then I found myself clinging to a guy that was not around, literally, he lived far away.  My days were spent imagining what he was doing, what we would do if we were together, what we might be saying to each other and how his skin would feel under my warm touch?   Did I build him up in my head because grief is overbearing?  Did I form a relationship with someone in my head that the real man could never really measure up to?  Was I expecting too much to come from one man?  Does grief start to give one unrealistic expectations?  When we finally got to be together it felt like the idea of each other might have been more appealing than the real thing.  From the moment we put ourselves in the same room for a long period of time it was evident that we made the other one unnerved in some form.  He was very unsettled and I was very uncomfortable.  Is it purely based on the fact that our love formed from grief and loss, or was it the distance that set up that we both had unrealistic expectations for our relationship?

Do we put too much pressure on how things should be and not enough cherishing the way things are?  I think so.  I certainly need to appreciate how things are regardless of how things actually are.

In death, one can’t just pick up the phone and call the deceased anymore.  So must we remember to put the phone down before we dial those numbers when we feel that urge to call an ex?  Should we treat it the same?  
    Like a great song sang to me :
And if I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you.
I will give you my number.
So when it’s all over I’ll let you know”

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