Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Relapse, break through or rebounding too?


“Love means never having to say you are sorry”, “Love conquers all” and “The best thing is to love and be loved in return”.  These are all the lines I am meant to believe when it comes to love?  What have movies done to the actual emotion?  They forgot to mention the insurmountable amount of pain that loving someone can cause.   Is love transcending, all of a sudden?  Is it this fantastic magic that all of a sudden can change molecules and reshape universes? 

HE called me to say that maybe we should get together to talk.  I was blown away.  Was this my chance to get him back?  To remind him that we are actually in love and nothing in the world should be able to beat that down?  Was I getting ridiculously carried away?  
I thought we could meet on the beach but he preferred a restaurant.  The excitement was palpable.  Are we meant to believe that relationships are based on fate?  Then why does destiny enjoy watching us suffer?  When is love meant to be?  And how will we know?

The anticipation made me antsy, so antsy in fact that I did not even pick out an outfit.  I was just thrown away by the chance that lay out before me, that I left home in what I was wearing.   Did he want me back?  Did he realize that we are perfect together?  Am I completely retarded?  
So I went to the beach before seeing him so I could run into the ocean and freeze my whole body down.  The cold rush calmed every last nerve in my body.

Then he sent a message asking me to meet him in twenty minutes.  I arrived at the restaurant but they are not open for business yet.  So I turn around and he is standing behind me.  I could hear my heart beating in my head, and he heard that the restaurant is closed.  He suggests we go up to his place to talk.

Against all my better judgment I say yes.  Against everything I know.  Regardless of what my head is telling me I follow him back to his home.  ‘He is going to use you and throw you away’, I kept thinking to myself but my heart.  My completely ridiculous, totally retarded heart. 

 Sitting in front of him I could see he was afraid.  Too scared to admit that he felt it too... I think?  Is the risk not the same for all of us who choose to get in a relationship, that we might leave with a broken heart?  Are two people not taking the leap of faith for love together?  
 Why do some men find it easier to strap themselves to a backpack filled with material and jump out of a plane but when it comes to matters of the heart they are afraid?

As I made my way for the door, he kissed me....  

 ...I jumped the gun in thinking he actually wants me back though...

After a full bucket of chicken was purchased and a bottle of wine was opened and we were back at my place,  I realized that this is not the story I had imagined.  He can't trust me.

  I felt like a fool.  I went so far out on a ledge with my feelings that I did not even realize I was standing there alone.  Was it his fault?  Of course not.  I wanted to go that far out and I felt emotionally slutty.

I did not go after him. 
 I watched him leave while holding the bucket of chicken slowly eating every piece in that damn bucket until i could not feel feelings anymore.  I only felt nausea.  Not a tear.  Just one thought:

'I love you chicken' and it loves me in return, my chicken love has conquered all and it will not have to say sorry, for hurting me tomorrow.  That's love?

1 comment:

Mind Of Mine said...

I am no stranger to eating my feelings.

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