Like clockwork, ever morning around 4am, I start to wake up. Not a sudden wake up but a slow realization that things have changed. It begins with me flopping my hand onto the other side of the bed with hopes of holding him. Feeling him. Pulling him closer to me. When he is not there to cling to I move my entire body. I scooch closer and closer. Expecting his body to stop me from scooching anytime soon.
All of this takes place in my half asleep state of mind so in essence I believe he is with me. Once I sit up to look for him reality starts to set in…he is not here, I am alone.
I can’t get back to bed after this… I sob for a while then I start to smoke. Is this the works of a healthy mind and body? Is comfort the absolute key in getting a good nights rest? The last time I slept like the dead was a weekend away. It was a time that was not his life and it was not my life, but ours. We had a moment and a space that completely belonged to us. And I slept late each and every morning we were there. Do we need comfort to rest?
I decided enough was enough, I need sleep, it’s far too important and I can’t be smoking so much so early in the morning. So to counter it I thought I should go for a walk.
At four in the morning, walking alone, aimlessly through the streets of the city? It is obviously not a good idea but a break up can leave our brains so clouded we don’t see straight. Was I jus looking for attention?
A right turn down an ally and I was met with a piece of wood to the back of my head. I was so surprised, however the hit was not nearly as hard as it could have been. I turn around to face two very skinny women, one with a thick stick in her hands that says, “Give us your money!” it was completely ridiculous. Are women mugging me in my own neighborhood? You must be kidding. So I explain I don’t have money, a wallet or even a damn watch on but the bitches will have none of it. So what would you do? I ran, not in the other direction but past the bitches because they are far too tweaked out on tik to process anything.
Walking around aimlessly is always bad idea; it makes one look lost, ergo easy prey. Who wasn’t going to try something with me? What desperate soul would not see me as a simple, easy target? Like a fly without its wings, I was doomed for disaster.
What was I thinking? What could possibly be clouding my judgment so much that I would even consider walking anywhere? I wasn’t thinking at all, that’s the just of it.
So, going back to the drawing board, the problem is not sleeping. I need to come up with something that will keep me in bed to fall asleep again not get out of bed looking for trouble…
Is a smell a strong enough signifier to trigger a calm sense of state? A scent can take me back to memories I have not thought of in ages. If it is strong enough to evoke long forgotten memories then what else can it do? Would it be strong enough to trick my brain into feeling comfortable, comfortable enough to sleep?
I decided I needed to recreate the smell that would be in my home, as a single man. There is one scent I have always drenched my home in when I am single and only when I am single but for no particular reason. It was just the smell in my home during the collective 6 months of my entire life that I have been single.
So to put my theory to the test I went out and purchased the product. Came home, plugged it in the wall and within hours my home smelt like a home before. It reminded me of lone nights cooking up a storm with a bottle of wine, in my underwear, after a day in the sun. A time of absolute freedom with no one to “where have you been, who did you meet, what do you know…”, a time of no talking, no television, just music and books with the occasional movie in between.
I am a relationship guy, admittedly. I love being in love, truly. And as great as it is to share our lives with someone special, should we not spend times getting to know the person we are putting up on offer, ourselves? I mean, if one cant interest and entertain oneself how would one expect to interest and entertain another?
So the next morning I stretched my arm out, rolled my body closer and sat up to look for him, took one deep breath in and a rush of comfort ran through my mind. I fell asleep again.
Here’s to dreaming.
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