Friday, September 30, 2011

The Releasing Demon: Fairtytales... Child's Play?

Have you ever reached a point where you knew exactly what you want but did not know how to get it? When the perfect life is but only an arm reach away and the only thing holding you back is you? What else is there to do but keep fighting, keep trying, keep reaching for it?

But what happens when you have a split second thought that maybe it's actually now what you want? Should one sit back and asses exactly the direction one's own particular choices might take one? Is it really a case of opening my mouth and saying?

So, although I am filled with more hope than I have felt in ages - and hope is a goodie, it always has the possibility of achievement - I am still left in two minds over whether or not I am leaning towards a more realistic/pessimistic perspective of looking at love or am I growing up?

It seems all too evident that nothing in this world lasts forever. Sure. But does that mean I should foresee an end before the crossing line is even in plain view? Of course not. It is most definitely a point of taking in what you can while it is up for grabs. And although this may seem like such a harsh way of interpreting love, the evidence stacked against love, that love is in fact bitter and sweet, is far more prevalent thus believable than a cheesy 'nineties' Gloria Estefan hit of Everlasting Love.

The point is not the disillusion of love but how to turn that love into something that can survive. Like a plant, through harsh winters and bitter breezes, once spring rolls on in it begins to grow again, bigger, faster and with more vigor. So should a relationship not be nurtured by those in it? I mean the plant in question is that of two hearts that slowly begin to beat together and not necessarily amalgamate with each other.

As a wise man once said: "I am not young enough to know everything" and the older I get the more I understand the point. It's the disillusionment of the notions we have as young people that in turn makes us real living adults. But when do we start becoming tainted from the abysmal failures in our quest for love that it in fact leaves any idea of a relationship to come drenched in disdain and ill content? When we allow it too!

So the objective is to always, but i mean always, scrutinize what we may have done wrong and better that. I keep my mouth shut far too often for fear of abandonment however the ironic thing is that I am abandoned for the fact that I keep my mouth shut. A vicious cat and mouse game i am playing all on my own.

So stop the fairytale of the perfect relationship and try create a real one... everlasting or not!

The Releasing Demon: Fairtytales... childs play?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Just lov ethis pic so much that I thought I would share it with you all...

Good Fridays Yo"

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Ditching Demon - Stop running Fool

So, those who know will undoubtedly be familiar with my disappearing acts.  From the immediate ones - leaving a club without a word that i am leaving.  To the large - skipping town, the province and sometimes the country.

The odd thing is just before I am about to ditch whatever I feel needs to be ditched, I think about what exactly the problem is and in my final assessment it is largely viewed as uncomfortable or unsafe therefore to leave would be the most logical thought... Correct?

Should our feeling of safety ever really be compromised for another's comfort?  Can forgoing dependability on ourselves really make any situation better?  In my experience I have learnt that as soon as I feel even slightly uneasy, in any given situation, I will run.  In theory this may seem very practical but in context of the world and the people in it, it actually removes one from the rest of the world.

In other words, in the wild if an antelope senses danger he will run because more often than not the antelope is correct in thinking that there is a crouching lion getting ready to devour.  But with people the scenario is very different due in large part to emotions and the depth we as humans can go into our emotions therefore the complexities behind our "safety" is far more perplexed than that of the antelopes.  People are far less likely to jump on our back and rip open our necks with their teeth.

I am tired of running away, so two things happened - one directly and the other indirectly - that would assist in Ditching the Ditching Demon.
One - I remained working on a project I was not thrilled at all to be part of.
Two - My family packed up house and left Johannesburg before my contract had even come near to the end.  So in essence I was left behind this time.

So what is the moral of the story here?  It is far easier to run away from our problems than it is to face them and see it through till the end.  The funny thing is when we run our problems undoubtedly chase so the time spent running is ten times longer than what the time would be if we just turned and faced them.

"It's the sparkle you become...
    When you conquer anxiety" - Bjork

Björk-Mutual Core

In Short with Andrew Mons : Jack Parow

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Cathartic Demon - Touching Home Base and Breaking the Silence

Finally, I am home sweet home - funny I say this with regards to my up coming column due next month.

It has been two months of so much personal development and I have been rattling my brain around a way to put all I experienced forward in a way that will relate to all.
So with that said I am going to start with the dark and work my way up because in high insight I am so super happy at the moment, today, this very moment.  So happy that nothing will be getting me down.

It all began exactly nine years ago.  One tiny little incident that has managed to quite literally mess my little mind and heart up to such a degree that I just could not manage to climb out of the hole that I had actually been digging for myself and by myself.  It took a revisit to unlock the demons I have been trying to bury in this hole I have been digging but I could never really dig deep enough.  The true gem was realizing that burying is more about the sand that goes on top than the depth of the hole.  So I reached down into that hole and pulled out the demon from the depth.

                                I was unlucky enough to be one of those gay boys to experience a first time that is hard to forget.  The young and impressionable nineteen year old Juanne-Pierre de Abreu went to work at a game farm after a brief course in hotel management.  There I was met with a man that had a hidden agenda for wanting or needing me at this particular lodge.  When I first met him, I'll be honest, I really liked him.  I thought I had scored a jackpot having a boss that is pretty cool and easy to talk to.

Drink after drink on my first night and I was sufficiently plastered.  Being on a game farm I was encouraged to take a lift back to my room which i accepted but once the car came to a halt I quickly realised I was not at my room... I was at his.

My initial idea was to run but seeing how this was my first real job I decided that it might be best to wade through the mixed messages until i can come up with something a little more concrete.  He picked up on my resistance and said "I just want to give you something to drink so that you do not wake up with a hangover"

OK - that sounded fair.  So I thought I would down it and go but sadly after that tall glass of mirky water, very little is actually remembered.  what I remember next is waking up in his bed sans clothing.  I pulled my pants on and just left his place.  Staggering through the bush, no shirt or shoes, I realised that the feeling of getting away was bigger than the fear of the wild animals that roamed so freely between my room and his.
Running a bath once I was back in the safety of my own walls I sobbed like a little girl.  Pulling myself together long enough to get into the scorching water to wash away the filthy feeling I was left with in hopes that the water would be the cure.  Once all the blood was gone I got out of the bath and continued to sob on the bathroom floor until work was set to start.

Now why would I just go back to work?  Because, I initially blamed myself for drinking too much and not having all my bearings fresh to make proper decisions.  I figured I made a mistake and I should just live with it.  Bite the bullet!
It was his berating the next day that made a light go on in my head.  He would come into the store room I was so busy working in and say some of the worst things I had ever heard.  At that point I knew what it was about - he wanted to keep me quiet.  That was cue for me to go.

I did not want him  to be held accountable, I just wanted to run as fast as I possibly could... and I did.

Now, nine years later, I find myself back at the very same lodge where it all happened and I have to stop running and face my demons.  I have allowed this one incident to dictate so many years that followed it.  I started doing drugs and got hooked like a demon on coke.  I started shagging married men to avoid any real connection with another man.  I neglected my family and my friends.  And slowly I started to become a varsity drop out, loosing interest in anything I tried to gain interest in.  Life did not seem worth living however suicide was never an option.

I faced that demon and I am a better man for doing it.  I stayed on that lodge till the end and replaced it with different memories - GREAT ones!

So now it is not living with what that man did but trying to get the young guys out there to know it can happen to you.  Don't blame yourself, don't be afraid to talk about it.  Once you can do this then you will be able to take the power back and being a victim ceases to exist.  I am Juanne and I was raped - very difficult to say and surprisingly even harder to write.

No matter your age, sex, creed or race no person deserves to be sexually exploited in any way and it's up to us to stand up and say "This is wrong!"

Lets make South Africa a rape free country instead of the rape capital of the world.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Last two weeks.

So I have been out in the bush filming a film for the last 6 weeks.
Soon I will be home and with so much to write about...

So, I will return - watch this space, Yo'
Peace, love and happiness

Sunday, September 4, 2011

A Slice of Gay Pie: “Repentance Says What?”

Bless me Father for I have sinned.  It has been far too long since my last confession. I have solicited my body for the solicitation of another mans body.  I beseech man on top of man to satisfy my search for the love that dare not speak its name…

In Cape Town, you can’t walk down a street without passing a church or some place of worship.  It is hard to miss the sheer force of spirituality that the mountain evokes and it is obvious why so many places of praise and solace exist.  Visiting the library in town I pulled out the big book, the Bible.  Going back into my roots as an unaware little Catholic boy in hopes that the book might provide a surprising perspective on relationships and love albeit with another man.  Then it hit me in the face, the idea of Repenting.

 How many of us walking around on the earth actually believe to “repent” is to say you are sorry therefore seeking forgiveness? In the broadest sense of the word, maybe on some level, it is correct to term repentance like this however this definition is mostly wrong. Knowing the true definition of "repent" could be a matter of life and death… or so the hectic bible bashers would have you believe.  But is there any truth to their madness? 

Now if I take out the whole sinner or saint charade.  Just egg lift the entire if-you-are-bad-you-will-burn-in-hell fiasco right out of the pan.  And look at the idea of repentance, as closely related to the bible as what I can understand and deduce an idea that will help all human beings - regardless of our affiliation towards God or the ridiculous rapture - the idea of repenting is far more beneficial to us growing as individual human beings towards an idea of personal fulfillment, enrichment and enlightenment.  Even as gay men in same sex relationships.

So, if we are to look at repentance as asking for forgiveness, does this mean that which we are seeking forgiveness for is something we should in turn regret?  Or is it a lesson that should be learnt?  Therefore maybe repenting is more a form of admitting that we are actually on the wrong path and not merely needing forgiveness for our missteps. 

And with that said I think we reach step one – and really the most important part - in understanding Repenting:  Admitting our faults.  To admit what we are doing is wrong, and by doing so, changing the actions to come.  No point in saying or admitting you’re failing and still you continue to do it.  That sort of discourse is more like flailing in the water for help, when you can help yourself.  Is the whole idea behind repenting not about seeking change?  And change for the better no less? 

Keeping in mind this is all in saying that the current path you maybe on is not necessarily a bad one.  And change will be good.  Therefore the change I speak of is more about choosing something right over something that seems a little wrong.  Like dating a good man even though the relationship is not good.  He will always be a good man and he will always be wrong for you.  Does this mean someone is to blame? 

Step two in understanding Repenting has more to do with having the grace to forgive.  No matter how big or how small, hate begets hate and the power of forgiveness is probably the most awe-inspiring emotion out of all the emotions we as human beings all possess, yet why is it we see so little forgiveness from one another?  We all have the capacity to do so yet we very rarely act on it.  Since when did forgiveness and apologizing become a power play of right and wrong?  Who is good and who is bad?
And this brings us to number three: humble yourself.   As we make the untoward life journey, in the direction of a complete human being, we will find that allowing the bullshit of fault and blame to fall to the background and looking towards tomorrow together, is surprisingly easier than one might imagine.  Forgiveness is love and love is a beautiful thing…?
The book speaks to you if you allow it to but I am still not going to let someone preach to me out of it.  I will, however, leave you with a quote affiliated with love that really transcends past religious protocol.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

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