Animal Sex Totem (Number 5)

Baboon

Adaptable, intelligent with great communication skills and leader qualities.  Therefore, as a lover you will change to suite your lovers needs.  You are intelligent enough to interpret your lovers needs.  You have great communication skills and this will allow you to wear the pants in the relationship.

You are very social and a jealous lover will not sit well with your ability to open up so easily in a social setting.
You will go the extra mile to get your point across, laying out all of your emotions on the table.
You are always comfortable which can be disconcerting to most people and not just a lover.
You are a leader or at least an impassioned speaker.



 Are you a baboon?

Antony and the Johnsons "Fistful of Love"

Animal Sex Totem (Number 4)

Meerkat:


He stands up tall and proud.
He exudes a higher knowledge.

Alert of his lovers needs.
Watchful of his lovers needs.
Discreet of his lovers needs.
Generous of his lovers needs.

This animal represents the need to be aware of our surroundings and to second guess anyone who boldly approaches.  Never letting his guard down.
The tall, looking from side to side, meerkat also teaches us to return to the earths energies for respite and rejuvenation just as he returns to his burrow when the time calls.

are you a Meerkat?

Gays in the Military

Ward 22

Do you know what I am talking about?

Are you gay?  suffered PTSD?  Caught with pot? Served in the military between 1971 - 1989 in South Africa?
Do you have something to say?  Would you be comfortable sharing?

I am making an appeal to all Gay men in South Africa... if you have any information on what I am talking about please contact me at:
supatube@gmail.com
from there I will give you my number so we can talk confindentially.

Your help in this regard would be more than amazing.

The Prawn

Hello South Africans... well really Jozzie folk.

You know them, you hate them, they spray shit on you when you approach them, smashing the shit out of them with a hammer is the only insect repellant that works.

I want to know from you guys.

a funny story or a horror story of your first experience with a Parktown prawn.

I had a war drama... I sitting at the back of the house, smoking out of mothers sight, when I was tickled by one.  I screamed like a girl for about 4 1/2 minutes before grabbing a garden fork.  Stab, stab... stab stab stab and then it sprayed crap all over the place and pounced onto my pants... followed by a further 3 minutes of screaming and crying I eventually took my pants off and got the spade.  That damn curved spade was like using an assegai in battle against muskets.  Hello war at Blood River!
abandoned the spade and grabbed a brick, actually I pulled one out of the floor that was fairly loose, and proceeded to stamp and smash and crush my pants.  There i was, just standing in my jocks smashing my pants with a brick, just a normal tuesday night... right?
Needless to say that pair of pants went straight into the bin.

Please, I really would love to hear from you.


email me at:
supatube@gmail.com

Animal Sex Totem (Number 3)

The Zebra.

Individuality is a biggie, don't anyone tell this one what to do, where to go and how to stand.
King of polarity.  The colours scream Yin and Yang...hello.  So you will get both sides with this honey.
A charismatic lover who shows agility and tenacity between the sheets.
Although mutable.

The great illusionist, representing the dark and the light of life... No Grey!
One must remember that every belief has an opposing view and we should all open ourselves to new ideas.
Self acceptance is important and the acceptance of individual differences.


Are you a Zebra?

The Rolling Stones - Paint It Black

Animal Sex Totem (Number 2)

You are a nurturer.
You are sexually powerful and show no fear in taking what you feel you deserve.
 You show cooperation in your relationship.
Community is a biggie so starting a family is high on your list.



A lion roars to show his power and territory, so express yourself.
If a Lion - you are the protector
If a Lioness - you are the caregiver and provider
If the cub - you need to play, play and play some more.

Are you a lion?

Miike Snow - Black & Blue (Netsky Remix)

Animal Sex Totem (Number 1)

The Elephant:


You are fertile and virile.
You have a powerful Libido.
Raging hormones.
This totem symbolizes longevity in love, power as a lover, versatility as a partner and loyalty as a companion.


                                                                 With their very large ears - you need to listen up more.
Their trunk gives them a heightened sense of smell - you are living in a very fragrant world and because the trunk helps out in more than just one way it should be imploring you to do more than you think you can because you have the tools already to achieve.

Are you an elephant?

You Don´t Own Me - The Blow Monkeys

School Time - Bullies

Once all the heartache has settled and the realization that it is over sets, where does the love go?  To the next boyfriend…?  Of course not, I mean the love we shared with someone is never the same as the love we share with another.  In the bible, Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden for disobeying.  Is this a minor indiscretion that could have been forgiven and then forgotten?  And then where did the love go that was formed between God and this couple?  How far apart is love and hate and when did we go from genesis to exodus, in terms of love?

The first boy I ever fell in love with was a dream.  We were really young but he was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen.  One week away for a soccer tournament him and we got to know each other better.  While the parents were downstairs in the pub getting slaughtered, him and I were getting down.  Now to be fair, he initiated it.  His exact words were, “Do you want to pump?”  I still remember asking what pumping was.  So he pulled down my pants and then his own, and said, “Get it hard.”  Ok, so I got it up.  Then he turned around and told me to put it in.  Once I was in he told me to go back and forth for a while and that was pumping.  It was all very mechanical.  I had no idea what I was doing but I was enjoying it nonetheless. 

We carried on ‘pumping’ for a while after that, and then one-day it all changed.  Over the next three years that boy, I so fell in love with, would turn out to beat the shit out of me whenever he could.  On top of that, he started dating the prettiest girl at school and slowly he became the most popular boy in our standard.  He slowly turned everyone in my year against me.  I became that fat little fag that nobody wanted around them.   Do I now have psychological issues from my first love?  Do I need abuse to feel loved?  Do I need a challenge to make it feel worth it?  No.  The only problem I have is to trust another man.

 After spending a full year eating lunch, alone, behind the teachers’ cars I thought that enough was enough.  I still had to live…right?  I picked my brave little self off of the floor and just forced my way back into the lives of my peers.  It was not easy.   This is also the reason behind my search for love, for a companion, for a buddy, for a lover, for a team.  I wanted to belong to something that consisted of two people.  I wanted that exclusivity.  But am I looking in the right places?

The funny thing is, once I left school I thought those days would be over.  But it just changes shape.  For instance, last year I went on a cruise with all the Mr. Gay contestants.  Now on the first dinner night I chose to sit at a table with guys in their forties.  I tried to make a few jokes but only half the table was really responsive.  Eventually this one large man made an effort to exclude me from the table, so I got up and went to another table, explaining to that table I was not of interest to my last table, and I sat down.  After dinner this large man decides to come up to me to tell me that if I have a problem with him I should tell him to his face and not behind his back.

I was shocked; in the middle of the restaurant this rude man is going to put me in my place?  I think not.  I immediately replied, “You chose to snub me at the table.  For what reason, I don’t know but I felt ostracized.  I felt like that little gay kid back at school that no one wanted to talk to.  Thank you for making me feel like that.”

There was a moment of silence before he apologized and then tried to buy me a drink.  I did not want a drink.  Why are we all playing on the school playground again?  When did we as gay men become the bullies?  And why are we bullying each other?

Now I am faced with that same feeling once more, only this time from a man I fell in love with…is this a back flash of school?  Have I regressed?  The man wants nothing to do with me, okay, fair, it is his choice, but the snubbing, why the snubbing?  I feel too scared to go out for a drink or go to the beach incase him and his posse are all there to stare me down.  Am I afraid?  Is this bullying? 

So, I am not sitting in a carport eating lunch but I am still hiding away.  Hiding in my apartment for fear of being seen when I go out.  Why not just snub them back?  Easy, because I love him and I would never want anyone to feel this way.  Hate begets hate.  So when exactly did we start hating each other?  When did we divide ourselves up?  When did we go from a community to mutiny?   And why would we stray from gay?

So is it time to grab our balls again and weasel back into social life…?  Is it time to face up to adversity, no matter which direction it comes from?

Maybe it’s just time to stop that march away from love towards hate, stop the terms of endearment, stop the bitterness from creeping in like frost on the grass and make today the genesis to the rest of our lives.  There can always be a new beginning.

Sex Pigs, Speedos and the Perfect Fit.

Stretched out on the hot sand, I stare out at all the men in their different speedos.  The cut of the tight brief swimming shorts frames an ass to perfection and then there are times when it is less than desirable.  This got me thinking about relationships.  How would Lycra be a comparison for relationships?  When it’s not a perfect fit then it’s a complete disaster. 

Spending some time outside my usual box I was invited, by Greg, to join him at a pig party.  Now my impression of a Pig Party was a party where you paid a cover charge and then drank till you were slaughtered.  I had misgivings purely based on that fact, but I was somewhat mollified when I was informed that it was not what was expected.  Goodie!  I enjoy something new; it’s like the first time in a lecture hall, so enthusiastic, ready to take in everything.  So, ready with my pen in my hand I accompanied Greg to the Pig Party.

I wanted to know what to wear but apparently a kit is required not really an outfit.  Nude bar!  Damn, I forgot about those.  So clothes off and in we go.

It’s a very dark bar and for some time I was very disorientated.  Did we come up stairs?  Which way is the street?  Ok, then where is the mountain?  I could not get my bearings but I assume that was part of the appeal.

Masters and slaves and a sex pig roaming around.  Was this entertainment?  Is this a thrill to some people?  Have we evolved to this, degradation and humiliation as ways of stimulation?  And then, just when I was about to cast myself into the barrel of prudes, it happened.  A slave had accidentally been stepped on - well what did he expect rolling on the floor - nonetheless, he was stepped on and his master tended to him.  I could here him speak softly…”Lover, can I take you home?”  “No, I am fine.” “I’m taking you home, you are hurt my baby…” and he picked him up off of the floor and took him home.

Was I being too judgemental?  Did I miss the whole point?  Hidden amongst the dark, the smell of lube, the taste of leather and the loud music was a couple.  Was this a catalyst for their foreplay or were they just bored one night and decided this would be fun?  In the end I could see two people that fit, like a speedo.  It may not have been my cut and it was a little dark but it fit perfectly for them, and that my dear readers is a beautiful thing.

Do we all measure up?

A graph on the world's cock sizes - from another blog - got me thinking about how much size really matters?  Are men suppose to believe that the bigger the cock the better the man...in bed?  What of the super large cocks that can't maintain an erection, how does that help?  A large flat, flaccid prick dangling over your mouth... not quite the sexcapade you had imagined.  However, just because its rock hard doesn't mean that blowing a thick thumb is any better.  When did we all become Goldilocks?  


Talking to a pair of bottoms I needed to get a different perspective.  Wynand is a man for the small, he claims it's due to being so tight and a smaller prick poses far less of a pain poke.  Brandon on the other hand will be an advocate for the larger guys in life.  He cannot seem to relax when a tiny tot is darting in and out therefore he finds a mammoth member far easier to take the time to enjoy the pleasure.  How much space do we as men have, to fill?  Is it different for each guy?


Getting the other side of the fence I made a lunch date with two of my notorious 'twinkaniser' friends.  Every night it's something fresh, new and tight.  Steven and Greg love to chase and love to top, so I wondered do they have any real preference to the size of a cock if they are really just interested in an ass?  Steven admitted to being a bit of a flip flopper if the guy has a beautiful penis.  Huge and tiny is irrelevant if it is beautiful.  However Greg is a firm top and will not bend for no cock.  Surprisingly he admitted he prefers guys with a humungous hammer head of a... well, head.  The feel of a larger dick in his hand is far more pleasing than playing with a dick with his fingers.


So after all this cock and head talk I decided I need a bath.  As I lay soaking in the tub my imagination ran wild... at the end of it, I thought, if I were Goldilocks in a house owned by three bears, I would be having a piece of each of those bears in each of their beds, too large, too small and just right.  No man should be judged on the size of their member however treat your member the way you think it is and I bet you other men will treat it the same way.

No sex for a while...

In relationships, why is it so easy to remember the man we fell in love with but so difficult to appreciate the man we are in love with?  When we first meet, all the right things happen.  Our palms sweat, our heart beats faster and we stumble over our words.  Once love takes hold so does reality and the dreamy, perfect man you first met slowly starts to become human.  When did we go from Pretty Woman to Judge Judy?

My friend Kevin met his lover when he was thirty.  They spent years traveling the world, accumulating wealth and having amazing sex.   Eventually his lover wanted to settle down and live the calm life.  It was eight years later; Kevin is now in his late thirties, in a sexless relationship and cruising men whenever he can.  Is companionship something we settle for?  And after years of making love to the same person does it really get boring?  Like a successful ice cream stand, is a relationship that works about having variety?

This made me think of the relationships we all strive for.  Is it a fair assessment to say that we all look for different things?  I look for fidelity when choosing a lover based on the fact that I am a one-man kind of guy, however I would pretty much get up to whatever my lover wants to get up to.  So would their indiscretions on their own alter the love I feel for them?  In retrospect, no but it alters the perception of the relationship I think I am in.  Say a relationship is like walking down a path, one side is dry and the other has puddles.  Now if I am walking down this path with someone I would choose to walk on the dry side, however if my lover chooses to jump in the puddles I am going to follow suite and jump in the puddles too but don’t you go jumping in the puddles by yourself and force me to stay dry.

Should I be choosing a side and sticking to it?  Am I too easily swayed?  What is it I actually want?  I want someone who wants to be faithful to me because they actually enjoy being with me not because if they cheat it would make them a bad person.  Fidelity that comes from the heart, is that not the ultimate goal?  And when we find it why is it so hard to trust that it is the real thing?

We are all attracted to people for yet to be discovered reasons.  We are naturally drawn to something we find appealing and attractive.  Should we not be waiting to see the flaws, the character traits that make us human, before we decide to go falling in love?  Should love be unconditional in terms of accepting the flaws?  If we all have flaws then it’s not a secret that we inevitably will discover them. 

Is acceptance the key to keeping a relationship alive?  I think acceptance in the fact that we have flaws is a great start but the true test is whether we are prepared to work through those flaws with another.  As men, we go after what we want no matter what gets in the way.  Therefore, if we want to keep the passion alive for years to come with another person then it’s all up to us how badly we actually want it.  Complacency in a relationship is like mould on cheese… it can be cut off.

Relapse, break through or rebounding too?

“Love means never having to say you are sorry”, “Love conquers all” and “The best thing is to love and be loved in return”.  These are all the lines I am meant to believe when it comes to love?  What have movies done to the actual emotion?  They forgot to mention the insurmountable amount of pain that loving someone can cause.   Is love transcending, all of a sudden?  Is it this fantastic magic that all of a sudden can change molecules and reshape universes? 

HE called me to say that maybe we should get together to talk.  I was blown away.  Was this my chance to get him back?  To remind him that we are actually in love and nothing in the world should be able to beat that down?  Was I getting ridiculously carried away?  

I thought we could meet on the beach but he preferred a restaurant.  The excitement was palpable.  Are we meant to believe that relationships are based on fate?  Then why does destiny enjoy watching us suffer?  When is love meant to be?  And how will we know?

The anticipation made me antsy, so antsy in fact that I did not even pick out an outfit.  I was just thrown away by the chance that lay out before me, that I left home in what I was wearing.   Did he want me back?  Did he realize that we are perfect together?  Am I completely retarded?  

So I went to the beach before seeing him so I could run into the ocean and freeze my whole body down.  The cold rush calmed every last nerve in my body.

Then he sent a message asking me to meet him in twenty minutes.  I arrived at the restaurant but they are not open for business yet.  So I turn around and he is standing behind me.  I could hear my heart beating in my head, and he heard that the restaurant is closed.  He suggests we go up to his place to talk.

Against all my better judgment I say yes.  Against everything I know.  Regardless of what my head is telling me I follow him back to his home.  ‘He is going to use you and throw you away’, I kept thinking to myself but my heart.  My completely ridiculous, totally retarded heart. 

 Sitting in front of him I could see he was afraid.  Too scared to admit that he felt it too... I think?  Is the risk not the same for all of us who choose to get in a relationship, that we might leave with a broken heart?  Are two people not taking the leap of faith for love together?  

 Why do some men find it easier to strap themselves to a backpack filled with material and jump out of a plane but when it comes to matters of the heart they are afraid?

As I made my way for the door, he kissed me....  

 ...I jumped the gun in thinking he actually wants me back though...

After a full bucket of chicken was purchased and a bottle of wine was opened and we were back at my place,  I realized that this is not the story I had imagined.  He can't trust me.

  I felt like a fool.  I went so far out on a ledge with my feelings that I did not even realize I was standing there alone.  Was it his fault?  Of course not.  I wanted to go that far out and I felt emotionally slutty.

I did not go after him. 

 I watched him leave while holding the bucket of chicken slowly eating every piece in that damn bucket until i could not feel feelings anymore.  I only felt nausea.  Not a tear.  Just one thought:

'I love you chicken' and it loves me in return, my chicken love has conquered all and it will not have to say sorry, for hurting me tomorrow.  That's love?

Everything I do - Stewie Griffin

Family Guy - Singing Bette Midler's The Rose

Rebounding

Going into the traffic department, it was a cold and windy day.  After spending the entire morning inside the department, in queue after queue, I came out to what had turned out to be a completely beautiful day.  What’s a lonely boy to do?  The Beach!

 Now to be honest I figured Sandy Bay would be a safe bet – it might be quiet - and while I was walking down the path, it seemed promising.  Finding an open stretch of rocks near the water, calm enough to brave the cold sea, I sat and I stared out at the ocean before me for quite some time.  After removing my clothes and submerging my hot body in the cold water men started to swarm around me like a carcass ready for the picking.  Naturally I put my clothes back on. 

Is it really about the nudity?  I just like swimming naked; there is a sense of feeling like a child again when I swim naked, of a time when nudity was not inappropriate or sexually inclined.  Is it more about purity and the beauty of a body, our own?  Or are piety and chastity just part of a wholesome persona, which makes no room for nudity?  When did we become either prudes or perverts?

In my mid twenties I hit a stage where I thought “Yeah, sexual predator, go out and conquer, have what you want” was sexy.  I thought if I were that type of guy I would get what I want.  We can always try on a different persona but there is really only one that fits.  By my late twenties it was evident I am not that kind of guy.  I am painfully shy at times.  The rush we all get when our hearts start pumping faster, makes me uncomfortable.  The anxiety makes me nauseas.  By the end I wonder is the excitement too much and is it worth it?

After my swim I sat and was captivated, watching a beautiful man swim in the water like a modern day scene from the film “Sebastian”.  It was such a tender and beautiful homoerotic, cinematic moment.  If I had a camera I would have filmed it.  He smiled at me.  I collected my things and decided to go say hello.  Just because I was dumped does not mean I should shut my life off from others.  He suggested we go for a little walk. 

Passing the rocks and getting to a fairly hidden spot he turns and kisses me.  Once his hands started coming into play I felt the need to slow this down.  My heart was pumping way too fast but I would be lying if I say I was not enjoying it.  Is it because someone finds me interesting and someone does not?  Did I need the attention from a stranger to make me feel better about myself?  So I pulled away from him and for the first time I said something I don’t think gay guys ever say, “I really just wanted to talk to you”

I thought he would be off but to my surprise we started chatting.  On closer inspection I found someone similar to me, a very shy guy that hides it well.  He hides his behind his beautifully meaty exterior and I hide mine behind my humour.

Was this a rebound? A fleeting moment of an emotional connection?  We shared a laugh.  We swapped stories of his relationship’s complacency and my trek-across-country-for-love tragedy.  We shared something more real than bodily fluids, and although feeling ones eyes rolling in the back of ones head out of pleasure is a masterful way of trying to forget the hurt, I don't think it will erase the pain.  Getting over someone is like standing in line at the traffic department, it takes time and there is a process and you cannot just jump the queue but by the time you get out, the sun will definitely be shining. 

Letting Go

In a break up, some of us find it difficult to let go.  Is it because we are the one’s more than willing to alter our own life in the quest for happiness with another?  In relationships we find ourselves fighting.  Towards the end we fight more.  Once it’s over we fight with ourselves.  What exactly are we fighting for?   Is love a battle?  Do we have to pick sides and stand our ground?  They say you need to come to terms with events in your life and then move on.  Why is it so difficult letting go?  Is this a form of retreating?  And is retreating failure or just good strategy?

We are trained to believe that there are certain targets we are suppose to hit in order to achieve happiness.  I have always been more fascinated with the passion for life than the happiness of it.  Passion: accepting the suffering in life to truly enjoy the high points as a blissful sky ride through the clouds.  A lecture by Matthieu Ricard on happiness would prove me wrong.  If we should look at happiness as a form of contentment then sure, live the suffering in order to achieve those extreme highs.  However, if happiness was a day to day strive to fill ones life with something good, then maybe the concept of happiness has more to do with personal fulfillment than just general contentment?  So should I be living the pain of a break up or striving to forget it to be happy again?

Most of the time I want to step back before making a decision.  It proves far too stressful trying to avoid making the wrong choice that choosing nothing seems safe. So I hesitate when I need to give an answer.  Does this make me guilty? In my minds eye clarity needs to be achieved in order to make the right decision.  Funny how in a court of Law I can get off of murder chargers with reasonable doubt, however in a relationship it makes me feel like a bad person.  When did acceptance become a concept for children?

Is the fear of letting go more about a safety net and less to do with rationalizing the end to the end?  Is it the comfort of having something to fall into and not the logic behind why?  We all strive for a man strong enough to catch us before we fall however the truth is, until we find him we need to appreciate what we already have to back us up as a safety net for the times we fall.  I needed a long multi layered conversation with my girlfriends, and my brothers, and my boys, as none are in the city I am in, in order to realize that I have a net.  We all build strong nets for ourselves and just because they are not around does not mean that the safety is not there.

Goodnight

You told me something in confidence

And I threw it back in your face…

Was I trying to hurt you?

Was I trying to change the pace?

I was reaching out to you

I am stretching my hand out to you

I want to hear from you

Because I feel the same way,

I want to park my car out far away,

Till the light turns dark and the sound stops

Till there is no more smell or taste or touch.

Goodnight I say

To the price we pay

Goodnight.  Goodnight.

             ……my life.

Take it.

The heat blazes over the sand

The waves roll and crash, roll and crash.

Where are you my love?

I came to meet you my love.

Did you stand at the back and watch to see what I would do?

Do you see the fool in love in front of you?

Have you ever been in love before?

Are you scared?  Is this your all?

I told you, you are the one.

I told you I would never leave you.

Before you go please take my love, please take my heart…

Before you go please take my mind and my body and my soul.

Because, my beloved, I love you.

Mmmmmmmm...... Delicious.

It just oozes with so much flavour

It feels so right in the morning

Swirling around in my mouth,    Down my throat.

                             I lick my lips, mmmmm, the taste.

                       I want more!

              Another taste.

       Just a little bit dripping off my lips, slowly rolling over itself down my tongue…

It’s in my throat.

It’s moving down my throat,

It’s so sweet

      it is so fucking sweet...

                                      ...I cant imagine a morning without it.

Insomnia - Comfort.... that tricky little devil.

Like clockwork, ever morning around 4am, I start to wake up.  Not a sudden wake up but a slow realization that things have changed.  It begins with me flopping my hand onto the other side of the bed with hopes of holding him.  Feeling him.  Pulling him closer to me.  When he is not there to cling to I move my entire body.  I scooch closer and closer.  Expecting his body to stop me from scooching anytime soon.

All of this takes place in my half asleep state of mind so in essence I believe he is with me.  Once I sit up to look for him reality starts to set in…he is not here, I am alone. 

I can’t get back to bed after this… I sob for a while then I start to smoke.  Is this the works of a healthy mind and body?   Is comfort the absolute key in getting a good nights rest?  The last time I slept like the dead was a weekend away.  It was a time that was not his life and it was not my life, but ours.  We had a moment and a space that completely belonged to us.  And I slept late each and every morning we were there.  Do we need comfort to rest?

I decided enough was enough, I need sleep, it’s far too important and I can’t be smoking so much so early in the morning.  So to counter it I thought I should go for a walk. 

At four in the morning, walking alone, aimlessly through the streets of the city?  It is obviously not a good idea but a break up can leave our brains so clouded we don’t see straight.  Was I jus looking for attention?

A right turn down an ally and I was met with a piece of wood to the back of my head.  I was so surprised, however the hit was not nearly as hard as it could have been.  I turn around to face two very skinny women, one with a thick stick in her hands that says, “Give us your money!” it was completely ridiculous. Are women mugging me in my own neighborhood?  You must be kidding.  So I explain I don’t have money, a wallet or even a damn watch on but the bitches will have none of it.  So what would you do?  I ran, not in the other direction but past the bitches because they are far too tweaked out on tik to process anything.

Walking around aimlessly is always bad idea; it makes one look lost, ergo easy prey.  Who wasn’t going to try something with me?  What desperate soul would not see me as a simple, easy target?  Like a fly without its wings, I was doomed for disaster.  

What was I thinking?  What could possibly be clouding my judgment so much that I would even consider walking anywhere?  I wasn’t thinking at all, that’s the just of it.

So, going back to the drawing board, the problem is not sleeping.  I need to come up with something that will keep me in bed to fall asleep again not get out of bed looking for trouble…

Is a smell a strong enough signifier to trigger a calm sense of state?  A scent can take me back to memories I have not thought of in ages.  If it is strong enough to evoke long forgotten memories then what else can it do?  Would it be strong enough to trick my brain into feeling comfortable, comfortable enough to sleep? 

I decided I needed to recreate the smell that would be in my home, as a single man.  There is one scent I have always drenched my home in when I am single and only when I am single but for no particular reason.  It was just the smell in my home during the collective 6 months of my entire life that I have been single.

So to put my theory to the test I went out and purchased the product.  Came home, plugged it in the wall and within hours my home smelt like a home before.  It reminded me of lone nights cooking up a storm with a bottle of wine, in my underwear, after a day in the sun.  A time of absolute freedom with no one to “where have you been, who did you meet, what do you know…”, a time of no talking, no television, just music and books with the occasional movie in between. 

I am a relationship guy, admittedly.  I love being in love, truly.  And as great as it is to share our lives with someone special, should we not spend times getting to know the person we are putting up on offer, ourselves?  I mean, if one cant interest and entertain oneself how would one expect to interest and entertain another?

So the next morning I stretched my arm out, rolled my body closer and sat up to look for him, took one deep breath in and a rush of comfort ran through my mind.  I fell asleep again.

Here’s to dreaming.

Vulnerability

It’s not easy to admit our weaknesses; sometimes we don’t fully understand what they even are.  We have to really look at ourselves hard and with intent on finding fault.  Admitting it to ourselves can be a daunting task but once our toughest critic has passed judgment it really doesn’t matter what the rest of the world has to say.  Right? 

If I look at myself and scrutinize the details of the personality traits that leave me vulnerable, I would have to admit that I’m dependent on others.  It’s a weakness to me because I don’t want to be dependant. I really want to be able to do everything myself.  And I will go out of my way to try and prove that I can do things on my own.  Does the loss of power or control leave us feeling defenseless?  Is it weak to rely on strangers for help?  Should choosing a partner be guided on the lines of whether they can counter our vulnerabilities?

Just the other day I was reminded of how much I depend on the ‘kindness of others’, having a seizure on the stairs while I was moving into my new apartment.  There’s nothing like a fit to make you feel defenseless.  It was not too bad, in retrospect.  I was awake for the whole episode, which was a little disconcerting, but as soon as the spasms stopped I was fully aware of where I was, which was very different.  Is this a silver lining?

So far I know that my condition is triggered by arcade games, stress and panic.  So I can try to avoid an episode, but they still inevitably creep in, just as I am sure stress and panic creep into all of our lives. 

Picking my self up off the floor and dragging my now stiff body to bed I realize the importance of having people around, personally.  I should have the balls to pick up the phone and call the man I want to, to come and help me.  I guess I want him to come to me because he wants to and not because he feels he has to. 

Has having epilepsy ever stopped me from doing things?  No, but it should actually slow me down or at least make me think twice about what exactly I am doing.  I am always humbled by it to be honest.  When I was growing up teachers and parents preach of how you can achieve anything you want to.  So the idea that in actual fact some things are just out of my grasp because of who I am is humbling.  In other words, I will never see the end of a car race in an arcade, it’s not one of those things I can ever do.

Admitting our weaknesses that create vulnerabilities helps us achieve the great things that come on the other side of vulnerability, like love and passion and freedom.  Avoid vulnerability and you avoid life, embrace it and you embrace your life… I’m told.  So at the risk of going out on a limb with my heart I will just have to say it in order to put the theory of living your vulnerabilities to live life to the test… I Need You My Guy, Come Back To Me.

Just a Phone Call Away?

Breaking up is like an odd death.  Odd because you can still talk to each other and like death because you actually cant.  Why is it that time acts like a swell of fog rolling in from the ocean over your heart?  Why is death and love joined together like a seesaw in a park, they sit at opposite ends but are joined together nonetheless. 

Support is a form of love and a person stricken with grief adores support, it’s comforting to know someone is there.  Can grief cloud your vision of love then if say support is the reason one feels a strong attachment?  Would that kind of relationship last?

I am told a relationship based on sex does not last because the sex will change or dwindle and then so will the love.  So if a love is formed during a time of grief is it sustainable, even though one might be preoccupied with the said grief?

I have felt both sides of the seesaw.  On one side I fell in love with a boy who had just lost his mother.  The balance was off.  We seesawed for a while before his grief began to become a little less palpable.  Then the emotional interaction between us also began to change, like a chemical imbalance.  Was it because I felt like he needed me less?  And if he needed me less was that not a good thing for him?  Should I not be happy that he is healing?  Why would we want someone we love in pain?

 They relationship just died one day.  

And on the other side of that seesaw the view was different but the results the same I'm afraid.  Loosing a parent and then I found myself clinging to a guy that was not around, literally, he lived far away.  My days were spent imagining what he was doing, what we would do if we were together, what we might be saying to each other and how his skin would feel under my warm touch?   Did I build him up in my head because grief is overbearing?  Did I form a relationship with someone in my head that the real man could never really measure up to?  Was I expecting too much to come from one man?  Does grief start to give one unrealistic expectations?  When we finally got to be together it felt like the idea of each other might have been more appealing than the real thing.  From the moment we put ourselves in the same room for a long period of time it was evident that we made the other one unnerved in some form.  He was very unsettled and I was very uncomfortable.  Is it purely based on the fact that our love formed from grief and loss, or was it the distance that set up that we both had unrealistic expectations for our relationship?

Do we put too much pressure on how things should be and not enough cherishing the way things are?  I think so.  I certainly need to appreciate how things are regardless of how things actually are.

In death, one can’t just pick up the phone and call the deceased anymore.  So must we remember to put the phone down before we dial those numbers when we feel that urge to call an ex?  Should we treat it the same?  

    Like a great song sang to me :

“And if I ever feel better

Remind me to spend some good time with you.

I will give you my number.

So when it’s all over I’ll let you know”

Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better