For Serious

I really do not know how to put this...
I have been in and out of the hospital for the last two weeks allowing the people that work there to scan my brain looking for any damage or tumor.  Then lights were flashed in my eye while nodes were attached onto my head so they can measure the brain activity.  Then blood was sucked out and sent away for various tests.  From a GP, to a neurologist and settling on a psychiatrist they have finally concluded that my epilepsy has moved.  So now how do I break this down to make it simple to understand even for myself...

So, lets pretend brain activity is like a mexican wave, rolling around a stadium in unison.  Epilepsy would be, as the wave approaches, everyone at that point in the stadium just standing up and sitting down at random and constantly.  It breaks the flow of the wave, the flow of energy.  And why are these people doing this, excitement!  And that is where the seizure comes from, the excitement threshold which, in my case, is very low.  And this is why I struggle opening presents in front of a person that just gave it to me, the anxiety, I literally feel like tunnel vision sets in and everything around this gift does not exist, I cannot see beyond it.

It is not a lack of activity but too much activity which then results in a person loosing control of their body and having a seizure.  and here is where I learnt something new.  a seizure is different depending on where the over activity is coming from in the brain.  Now I have not had a seizure like I use to have for a while.  I assumed that it is the medication that is working.  However, the over activity has moved from a part of the brain that would effect my motor skills to a part that effects my emotions.  So instead of loosing consciousness  and convulsing, I am more prone to mood swings, dizziness and disorders like agoraphobia.  Admittedly I have not been out of my home for a while and I cry too much but I fucking finally know what the fuck is going so wrong in my head.  I assumed I was just depressed.

So, if you are someone with bi-polar disorder or suffering from depression then you are probably on the same medication as what I take.  Read side effects, they  play a part in your everyday life.  For instance, Lamictin is a med I was on for years and the increase was subtle so I did not realize it at first but those meds can cause hallucinations and I use to hear things so vividly.  I use to keep it to myself out of fear that I was just going crazy and slowly I drove myself crazy when in fact it was the wrong meds for me.

Read your side effects.  Talk to your doctor regularly and find a doctor that asks way too many questions.  And find someone to talk to about it all - this is something I struggle to do, I still have not even told someone that I have been through all of this, so dont be a coward like me, I am sure people are more kind than I think they are - I guess I feel so alone in this and the only reason for that is because I never say anything.  I try not burden people with my condition because at the end of the day it is something I am still yet to learn how to live in unison with.

I like to think we all pretend we have a grasp on certain aspects in our life that we in fact don't, mine is my health... actually, it's my brain and not my health.  I am a pretty healthy young man but my brain, it just over works itself.