Vulnerability

It’s not easy to admit our weaknesses; sometimes we don’t fully understand what they even are.  We have to really look at ourselves hard and with intent on finding fault.  Admitting it to ourselves can be a daunting task but once our toughest critic has passed judgment it really doesn’t matter what the rest of the world has to say.  Right? 

If I look at myself and scrutinize the details of the personality traits that leave me vulnerable, I would have to admit that I’m dependent on others.  It’s a weakness to me because I don’t want to be dependant. I really want to be able to do everything myself.  And I will go out of my way to try and prove that I can do things on my own.  Does the loss of power or control leave us feeling defenseless?  Is it weak to rely on strangers for help?  Should choosing a partner be guided on the lines of whether they can counter our vulnerabilities?

Just the other day I was reminded of how much I depend on the ‘kindness of others’, having a seizure on the stairs while I was moving into my new apartment.  There’s nothing like a fit to make you feel defenseless.  It was not too bad, in retrospect.  I was awake for the whole episode, which was a little disconcerting, but as soon as the spasms stopped I was fully aware of where I was, which was very different.  Is this a silver lining?

So far I know that my condition is triggered by arcade games, stress and panic.  So I can try to avoid an episode, but they still inevitably creep in, just as I am sure stress and panic creep into all of our lives. 

Picking my self up off the floor and dragging my now stiff body to bed I realize the importance of having people around, personally.  I should have the balls to pick up the phone and call the man I want to, to come and help me.  I guess I want him to come to me because he wants to and not because he feels he has to. 

Has having epilepsy ever stopped me from doing things?  No, but it should actually slow me down or at least make me think twice about what exactly I am doing.  I am always humbled by it to be honest.  When I was growing up teachers and parents preach of how you can achieve anything you want to.  So the idea that in actual fact some things are just out of my grasp because of who I am is humbling.  In other words, I will never see the end of a car race in an arcade, it’s not one of those things I can ever do.

Admitting our weaknesses that create vulnerabilities helps us achieve the great things that come on the other side of vulnerability, like love and passion and freedom.  Avoid vulnerability and you avoid life, embrace it and you embrace your life… I’m told.  So at the risk of going out on a limb with my heart I will just have to say it in order to put the theory of living your vulnerabilities to live life to the test… I Need You My Guy, Come Back To Me.